Couples Therapy

“We Have Communication Problems”

Many couples come to therapy describing “communication problems.” This is a big topic which has many components and several key skills to learn and practice with your partner. Having a couples therapist watch and listen to your communication patterns and offer structure and suggestions are very important and helpful.

I find that the issues that cause conflict and disconnection with couples go deeper than, and appear underneath, communication issues. This deeper set of dynamics may include: lack of internal and relational presence, difficulty slowing down, old conditioned habits, or vulnerabilities, like low self-worth, fear of abandonment, fear of feeling vulnerable and more. We learn to defend and protect what we’ve learned to be “I, me and mine.” We naturally resist any unpleasant feelings arising and seek reassurance and positive attention. This can arise as defensive arguing, blaming and seeing our partner as the cause of our unhappiness. 

 I often tell couples, “couples therapy is often doing individual therapy in the presence of your partner.” This involves opening to kind awareness toward the different parts of ourselves. It involves slowing down and letting awareness and tolerance of feelings grow instead of quick defensive reactions.

 I believe the most important quality you can give another person is your full presence within yourself and, at the same time, to the other. This allows empathy and positive regard for yourself and whoever you are with.